2005 Darwin awards

From Neowin.net

The 2005 Darwin Awards
In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year’s Darwin
Awards, here they are. These awards are given annually to the
remains, or estate of that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from
the human gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Angelo, California man who died
when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while
riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was
pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred
about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff’s department said. Hubal and
his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and
undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the
pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It
has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the
one with its pad removed.

4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of
the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat
where it had choked him to death.

3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot
a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.

2nd RUNNER-UP: “Man loses face at party.” A man at a West
Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year…remember
him?–a man in Arkansas who used a 22 cal. bullet to replace the fuse
in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit
down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a
prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
“Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying
to explode it. It wouldn’t go off and this guy said “I’ll show you
how to set it off.” He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew
all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer
was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial
injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical
Division. “I just can’t imagine anyone doing something like that,”
Payne said.

1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an
Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be
alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25,
lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men’s
rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid
Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to
shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert’s right
eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left,
a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died
instantly. Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University
Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10inches of
brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow
managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had
Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends
had been drinking that afternoon (geez–you think!!). Said Roberts,
“I feel so dumb about this.” No charges have been filed, but the
Josephine County district attorney’s office said the initiation stunt
is under investigation.

Now, THIS YEAR’S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but
having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to
“hop” over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled
their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for Mr.
Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)
Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the
fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through
a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)
by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To
make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife penetrated his
thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence
landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the
crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and
dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the
truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a
holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have
been removed from the gene pool!